Wedding Bells Or Single Again: Psychology Predicts Where Your Relationship Is Headed

Article By: Gary W Lewandowski Jr, Chair/Professor of Psychology , Monmouth University

Is he or she the 1? You know… the 1 to introduce to my parents, the 1 to move in with, the 1 to start a family with, the 1 to marry? At some point in every dating relationship, you ask yourself some version of these questions. Of course you’re invested in predicting the fate of your own relationship.

Psychology researchers are interested as well. Are there recognizable signs that can foretell where a relationship is headed? Typically researchers have tried to puzzle out this question by measuring some aspect of a relationship at 1 moment in time & then seeing how that measurement coincides w/relationship outcomes months or years later. For example, 1 group found that greater boredom now predicts less relationship satisfaction 9 years later.

These types of 1-shot measurements are useful, but how you feel about any facet of your relationship fluctuates over time. Some researchers, including Ximena Arriaga at Purdue University, have suggested that the typical method of measuring a single moment in time may not fully capture the relationship experience; it might be more revealing to look at patterns of change as the relationship develops.

To know your relationship’s fate, the ups & downs may matter more than its quality at 1 specific moment. A newly published study examined this question by tracking how relationships progressed over time via people’s own changing senses of where things were headed.

Charting The Course Of Love, True Or Otherwise
Some days your relationship feels like it will be happily ever after, while other days it feels more like happily never after. Researchers call your sense of whether your relationship will eventually result in marriage your commitment to wed.

If you could chart the story of your relationship, what would it look like? Maybe a straight, ascending line showing steady progress? Or maybe a curvy line showing that you’ve hit some bumps along the way? It’s this trajectory that may influence how your story will end.

In the recent study, researcher Brian Ogolsky & colleagues hypothesized that how individuals’ commitment to wed fluctuated over time would predict future relationship outcomes. To test the idea, interviewers had 376 dating couples in their mid-20’s chart out graphs of how their sense of marriage likelihood (the vertical axis ranged from 0% to 100%) changed over time (time in months appeared on the horizontal axis). The interviewer plotted key dates, noting where the likelihood of marriage changed, for better or worse. For example, spending too much time w/friends, fighting or just being too different could nudge commitment to wed down. Conversely, meeting the partner’s family, spending a lot of time together, having a lot in common & receiving positive feedback from friends or family could make commitment to wed rise.

Participants updated their graphs via short interviews for each of the next 7 months, concluding with a final interview 9 months after the start of the study. Participants also provided information about changes in relationship status – such as transitioning from dating to broken up, from casual to serious dating, from serious dating to engaged, & so on.

Researchers analyzed the graphs for the number of turning points or changes in commitment to wed, particularly noting any downturns or times when chances of marriage decreased. They also examined the slope or degree of change during turning points to see if things were escalating quickly, slowly eroding or following any of the other trajectories a relationship can take.

Breaking Commitment Types Into 4 Groups
Using participants’ monthly feedback, the researchers identified 4 distinct commitment patterns.

(1) Dramatic (34% of the sample): This group had an “up & down” type of relationship, w/more downturns & steeper changes in commitment than other groups. These individuals spent more time apart & had lower opinions of the relationship, & their families & friends were less supportive of their relationship.

(2) Partner-focused (30% of the sample): This group had a “my partner is the center of my universe” approach to commitment & experienced very few downturns. Their changes in commitment hinged on how much time they could spend together.

(3) Socially involved (19% of the sample): This group experienced very little variability & fewer downturns than those in the dramatic & conflict-ridden groups. When changes occurred, they were largely determined by the amount of interaction w/their social network & what those friends & family thought of the relationship.

(4) Conflict-ridden (12% of the sample): This group includes the fighters. Like the dramatic group, this group had a large number of downturns. The sizes of the changes were not as steep, but they were disproportionately due to conflict in the relationship. Those in this cluster also reported fewer positive things to say about the relationship than those in the partner-focused group, & less support from family & friends than the socially involved group.

Much like boiling your entire personality down into a color or series of letters, fitting your relationship into 1 of 4 tidy categories has intuitive appeal. Yet classification is simplification. Our relationships & psychological experiences are complex in a way that defies basic categories or groups; every relationship cannot fit neatly w/in these 4 categories. However, they provide 1 framework for understanding how relationships progress.

So Is My Relationship Doomed?
Importantly, knowing how commitment to wed changed over time was a better predictor of relationship outcomes than the basic measure of relationship quality at the 1st interview.

Individuals in the dramatic group were more than twice as likely to break up than any of the other 3 groups. Those in the partner-focused group were more likely to have their relationship progress (for instance, advancing from casual to serious dating) than those in the dramatic group, while the conflict-ridden group was more likely to keep their relationship status stable compared to the dramatic group.

Taken together, these results suggest it is good to be partner-focused, but not dramatic. In other words, those who frequently experience substantial fluctuations in their commitment should have concerns about the relationship’s long-term sustainability. The dramatic group may be particularly susceptible to breakup bc they maintain so much contact w/their social network. Some of these pals may serve as “backburner” relationships in which the person maintains contact for the possibility of starting a later relationship.

Relationships move at difference paces & in different patterns. Whether your relationship is moving quickly or slowly, smoothly or has been a bit rocky, this research demonstrates how your relationship’s past trajectory can offer a glimpse into its future.

View full article at: http://www.iflscience.com/editors-blog/wedding-bells-or-single-again-psychology-predicts-where-your-relationship-headed/

6 Ways to Detect a Liar in Just Seconds

Article By: Gregory L. Jantz, Ph.D.

You might be shocked to learn that more than 80% of lies go undetected. However, when you think back to being a young child, it shouldn’t surprise you that lying is such a prevalent behavior. When quizzed about eating a piece of candy before dinner, most kids are guaranteed a chiding if they admit to the transgression, while lying provides a much lower probability of a punishment—that is, if they don’t get caught. This opportunity-cost process that children go through to avoid getting in trouble sets the foundation for a pattern of lying in the future.

While people will always get away w/lying, most lies are pretty easy to spot if you know how to read the signs. Here are a few techniques to determine if someone is telling the truth or not:

(1) Start by asking neutral questions. By asking someone basic, nonthreatening questions, you are able to observe a response baseline. Ask them about the weather, their plans for the weekend, or anything that would elicit a normal, comfortable response. When they respond, observe their body language & eye movement—you want to know how they act when they are telling the truth. Do they shift stance? Glance in 1 direction or the other? Or look you dead in the eye? Make sure you ask enough questions to observe a pattern.

(2) Find the hot spot. Once you move from neutral territory to the “lie zone,” you should be able to observe a change in body language, facial expressions, eye movement, & sentence structure. Everyone will give different subconscious clues when telling a lie, which is why it’s important to observe a normal baseline prior to entering the lie zone.

(3) Watch body language. Liars often pull their body inward when lying to make themselves feel smaller & less noticeable. Many people will become squirmy & sometimes conceal their hands to subconsciously hide fidgety fingers. You might also observe shoulder shrugging.

(4) Observe micro-facial expressions. People will often give away a lie in their facial expression, but some of these facial expressions are subtle & difficult to spot. Some people will change their facial coloration to a slighter shade of pink, others will flare their nostrils slightly, bite their lip, perspire slightly, or blink rapidly. Each of these changes in facial expression signifies an increase in brain activity as lying begins.

(5) Listen to tone, cadence, & sentence structures. Often when a person is lying they will slightly change the tone & cadence of their speech. They might start speaking more quickly or slowly, & w/either a higher or lower tone. Often, the sentences they use become more complex as their brain works on overdrive to keep up w/their tale.

(6) Watch for when they stop talking about themselves. People who are lying will also sometimes start removing themselves from their story, & start directing the focus on other people. You will hear fewer me’s & I’s as liars try to psychologically distance themselves from the lie that they’re weaving.

Remember: Everyone has different “lying behavior” so there is no 1 guaranteed lie-detection method. It’s most important to be able to compare a liar’s baseline behavior to the body movement, facial expressions, eye movement, & verbal cues that they use when they are telling a lie.

View full article at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hope-relationships/201507/6-ways-detect-liar-in-just-seconds?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost

Why We Fall for Unavailable Partners (and How to Stop)

Article By: Alexandra Katehakis MFT, CST-S, CSAT-S

Sex addicts seek to medicate their pain w/episodes of sexual gratification, including promiscuity, using porn, exhibitionism, or voyeurism. Love addicts seek to get “high” through the intoxicating whirlwind of romance & relationships. Fantasy & emotional gratification play a huge role for the love addict, who can be either a man or a woman. Notions of finding a soul mate, living happily ever after, being swept off 1’s feet, or having 1’s breath taken away are common, emotionally addictive equivalents to a sex addict’s compulsive sexual behaviors, such as masturbation. (People can be both sex & love addicts simultaneously, but may not be.)

Despite their deep longing for partnership, love addicts tend to be drawn to unavailable partners. These partners may exhibit what we call “love avoidance,” which only motivates the love addict to pursue them more. The love addict seems to be addicted to their unfulfilled longing; they crave unrequited love. Terrified of abandonment, they still choose partners who will realize their deepest fear.

The love avoidant, however, seeks to control & manipulate others by w/olding affection, attention, & sex. He or she is not inherently cruel; rather, the love avoidant is terrified of intimacy and cannot tolerate it. He or she may crave love, but when it comes knocking, the love avoidant runs like hell. He or she may exhibit repelling behaviors, such as criticism, passive-aggression, coldness, or the silent treatment to put up a wall. While the love addict may feel victimized by these displays of unkindness, the love avoidant also feels victimized. He or she experiences their partner to be smothering, clingy, & needy. Incapable of communicating healthy boundaries, the love avoidant w/draws.

These 2 dysfunctional relationship styles may continue their dance of pursuit & distancing for many years. To halt the cycle, several steps must be taken:
– Love Addicts: must learn to self-soothe & stand alone. They must take responsibility for their own happiness, & approach potential partners as companions, rather than saviors.
– Love Avoidants: must learn to express their vulnerability & allow themselves to receive affection w/out fear of engulfment. Instead of perceiving relationships to be an obligation, the love avoidant can eventually experience relationships as a healthy opportunity to give & receive love.

Much inner work must be done to uncover the origins of relational trauma. A knowledgeable, experienced therapist & a support group are invaluable. When both of these individuals have overcome their personal struggles in this manner, true intimacy can finally result.

View full article at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-lies-trauma/201506/why-we-fall-unavailable-partners-and-how-stop?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost

7 Ways to Beat Self-Doubt

Article By: Gregory L. Jantz, Ph.D.

 Self-doubt can be a debilitating thought pattern that sabotages our chances for success. We all struggle w/self-doubt at some point, but learning to overcome it frees us from negative thinking & allows us to live to our fullest potential. Here are 7 techniques to help you live w/confidence:

(1) Find a mentor or someone who you can go to for advice (or venting). Your thoughts are racing. You want to let some of them go, but you don’t know who to talk to. Who do you seek out? Find that person who really listens to you, understands you, & helps to place your feet back on the ground, whether it be a therapist, parent figure, sibling, or trusted friend. They can help identify & challenge your unhealthy beliefs w/out passing judgment.

(2) Surround yourself w/real friends. You find yourself surrounded by a toxic group of friends. The environment is negative, competitive, & fake. They constantly try to bring you down to the level of their insecurities, & you are left w/nothing but self-doubt. Sometimes it takes having a group of bad friends to truly recognize the 1s who are good. Identify those friends who support you, advise you, & encourage you; the friends who think you are a star. Those friends are worth your time.

(3) Forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself is often harder than forgiving others. We constantly dwell on the times we failed or caused someone harm. We may play the victim & hold ourselves back from a life of betterment. Find that strength to overcome these shortcomings. Transfer the energy spent feeling guilt & self-criticism into the positive aspects of your life & move forward, bc self-compassion is allowed.

(4) Set reachable goals that you can accomplish. Your goals should be ever evolving & changing. Give yourself permission to try new things, but don’t be unrealistic. You need that feeling of purpose & accomplishment, & it often takes baby-steps to get there. Your long-term success & health will be dependent on setting manageable, immediate goals. And always remember to reward yourself even for the small things.

(5) Find your breath when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Seriously: Deep inhale, hard exhale. Life can become extremely overwhelming, & it is your job to mitigate the obstacles it throws your way. Deep breathing is an excellent daily habit to help reduce stress & self-doubt.

(6) Write it down. Write it all down. The therapeutic act of writing your thoughts—both positive & negative—will shed some light on what is really running through your mind. Take some time throughout the day to document everything from stress to accomplishment. If your negatives are overshadowing your greater positives, your journal will expose this. Be creative about how you document, but always speak the truth. A journal is an often-utilized therapeutic tool, but it can also be a good friend.

(7) Stop trying to make everyone else happy. You are caring, kind, & selfless, yet you are struggling to find your own happiness & esteem. Why? Bc you are wasting too much time making everyone else happy, & you have none left for yourself. Your happiness is placed in the hands of everyone else, & let’s face it: People are hard to please. The result: You feel extreme self-doubt. Respect yourself 1st, & you will be surprised at the results.

View full article at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hope-relationships/201507/7-ways-beat-self-doubt